
Give the Women a Chance 



HARRY L. NEWTON'S 

One-Act Comedy Sketches, 

Monologues and 

Dramatic Episodes 





ACTOR AND THE JANITOR, THE 

A Comic Novelty Act 

CASEY THE INVENTOR A Vaudeville Comic 
CHATTER Monologue for Males 

COLLEGE CHUMS, THE A Comedy Incident 

DOWN IN PARADISE ALLEY Comedy Sketch 
FAMILY SECRET Monologue 

GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE 

A Suffragette Monologue 

IMMIGRANT INSPECTOR A Comedy Taikfest 
IN A CABARET Comedy Crossfire 

INVITATION TO THE BALL Comedy Sketch 
IZZY'S VACATION A Summer Episode 

JACK AND HIS QUEEN. A A Comedietta 

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL 

Comedy Sketch 
MEET MY WIFE A Comedy Drama 

MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE, 

THE A Comedy Domestic Upheaval 

PAIR OF PANTS. A Talking Act 

ROSE OF MEXICO, A A Drama 

SALLIE AND SAMMIE A Comedy Skit 

SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD. THE Comedy 

TWO GIRLS AND HIM Comedy Sketch 

WHAT EVERY WOMAN THINKS SHE 

KNOWS Suffragette Monologue 

Price, 25 Cents Each 




I 




r: 



M. WITMARK & SONS 

Witmark Building, J44-146 West 37th Street, New York 



FRANK DUMONT'S FAMOUS PLAYS 

"A TRAMP AMONG CRANKS," 

Ur 

PERPETUAL MOTION. 

Sketch tor 6 males. 

By Frank Dumont 

A laughable experience in a sanitarium of "eccentric** 

inventors. Contains an excellent low comedy part. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"TWO WOMEN AND ONE MAN.** 

Sketch for two females. 
By Frank Dumont. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Bella Sanders, | 

t:« ^ 11 XI7 11- ^ \ College Chums 

Estelle Williams, ) ^ 

Two sclioolmates meet, not having seen each other 
since leaving college. The talk over old times is very 
amusing. Naturally, they talk over the good and bad 
points of other mates, although neither believed in 
"running down" their neighbors. While in college 
they had agreed never to marry without consulting the 
other, but time changes matters and they both fall in 
love with the same man. Nothing could bring discord 
to these two loyal friends — but — the man — makes a 
change, and, womanlike, they abuse each other with the 
tongue. It turns out that the man marries one of 
their despised mates, so nothing is left but to console 
each other by ridiculing the man's choice. 

Excellent sketch for two ladies. Can be done in 
white or black face. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD." 

A Modern Musical Burlesque. 

By Frank Dumont. 

Five Males — Two females. 

There are many burlesques on "Little Red Riding 
Hood." Mr. Dumont, however, has really outdone all 
others on this occasion. Ours is an unusual production. 
We have incorporated all the musical numbers in the 
book of the play, including the dramatic or cue music. 
Any musical society can handle this version. Contains 
excellent speaking parts and abounds in good comedy 
lines and music. Price, 50 cents, postpaid. 

With complete piano score of original vocal and 
incidental numbers. 

We also rent manuscript arrangements for orchestra 
when desired. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE 



A SUFFRAGETTE MONOLOGUE 



By 
HARRY L. NEWTON 



Copyright MCMXIV by M. ]Vitmark & Sons 
International copyris:ht secured 



Published by 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

Witmark Building, New York 



CHICAGO 



LONDON 






(;i\K THK WOMKN A CHANCE. 

Note — The act'uifi riijlits of this Monologue are ex- 
f^ressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom 
P}ofessionals 7i'ho 7vish to produce it 
should opl^ly. Amateur representation may 
be made without such application and with- 
out charge. 



©CLD ;i8()30 

SEP -2 1914 



"GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE." 

My dear sisters, as an officer in the army of 
suffragettes, it becomes my duty to scatter broad- 
cast general orders and commands. In our 
glorious campaign against our common enemy — 
m_an — it behooves us to frame our plans of action. 
It is our duty, dear sisters, to look as attractive as 
possible at all times. As witness me ! It is a great 
battle we are fighting. Therefore, be sure and keep 
your powder dry. Remember, all's fair in war, so 
it is therefore permissible to take as many men 
captives as you may wish. If you catch a man, 
hold on to him ; it may be your one and only chance. 
We are fighting for a great cause. If you happen 
to forget what it is, ask a man. Men always re- 
member all things political. Keep your hair and 
your courage up, sisters, your temper down, your 
feet dry and your nose powdered. 

Give the women a chance. 

In giving this lecture, night after night, I have 
attained quite a reputation. So famous have I be- 
come that two large cities in the middle-west have 
both claimed me as belonging to them. St. Louis, 
for instance, claims that I belong in Chicago, and 
Chicago just as emphatically declares that I belong 
in St. Louis. 

Give the women a chance ! 

But they can't stop me from talking. 

The police claim that when a suffragette gets in 
jail, they can't get her to open her mouth, and when 
she's out of jail, they can't get her to close her 
mouth. 



(,i\ 1-: rill-: \\( )Mi:.\ a c iiaxcf 



I'd like to sec some half portion of a man with a 
six and scven-cigliths hatting average attempt to 
gag me. 

It's painfnlly I rue lliat man was made first, hut 
he's heen after the women ever since. 

And man is one of the greatest prohlems j)of)r 
woman has to solve. lor instance, no woman can 
understand why it is that a man will spend three 
dollars a week for fl(jwers while he's trying to get 
the girl, and after he's married to her he won't even 
lake home a nickel's worth of dandelions. .\ man 
can discover the north or south pole, hut can't tinxl 
where a hook and eye come together in the hack 
of his wife's gown. 

Man gets altogether too much credit where he 
shouldn't. I^'or instance, take the "leather of 
Writers." It's an outrage. It should he the 
"Mother of W aters." since it is the Mrs. Ippi. 

< live the women a chance. 

A man will go sound to sleej) if his wife tries 
to talk to him after supper, hut he can walk around 
a ix)ol tahle i)laying Kelly Tool for fifteen hours 
and never hat an eye. 

r.efore a man marries he swears hy his fiancee. 
After he marries he swears at his wife. 

( ii\e the women a chance. 

It is claimed hy many that woman's sphere in 
life is marriage, that a woman will never know 
what true happiness is until she gets married. That 
mav he true, hut then it will he loo late for her to 
ai)preciate it. 



^ 



GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE 



Women who marry in haste often see better 
bargains at their leisure. We don't need the men, 
sisters. When a couple get married the minister 
says : ''You are now one." And he's right. The 
wife is one and the husband is nothing. 

Give the women a chance. 

At that, women believe in marriage more than 
the men. To illustrate : A bride is always dressed 
in white ; white dress, white slippers, veil and so 
forth. Why? Because white is a color denoting 
the festive, joyous occasion. • On the other hand, 
look at the groom. He's always dressed in black, 
isn't he? 

Give the women a chance. 

Married men claim that nowadays life for them 
is just one blamed hook after another. From the 
time they are "hooked" at the altar until they begin 
to hook their wife's gown in the back, it is nothing 
but hooks. And where, sisters, is the man living 
to-day who can hook his wife's gown and refrain 
from a certain vocabulary? The wife calls to her 
husband to come and hook her in the back. He 
obeys, but if he had his say he'd hook her in the 
jaw. But he grabs a hook in one hand and begins 
an exploration for an eye across a two inch chasm 
of lace. And when he cannot find a partner for a 
certain young hook, he artfully hitches him onto a 
hunk of lace instead. All the time he is making a 
noise like a grouch, with remarks like these : "Why 
the deuce don't you pull those strings tighter s- 
this dress can get together?" Or: "Gee, but you've 



GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE 



got fat since \()U liad this dress made." And all 
the while poor wife is doiii*^ an Isad«>re Duncan 
about the room in a frenzied attempt to assist him. 
Tliey say tliat King Solomon had a thousand \vive>. 
hut he had a snaj). Not one of his wives had t« 
he hooked in the back. lUu to return. just as. 
friend husband gets the last hook hooked, she 
says: "John, unhook tliem again. I think ril wear 
my oilier corset." 

(live llie women a chance. 

Some wise man has now made the discovery 
that we can do without sleep. We've been sleeping 
away years of our lives, all to no pur])ose. Leave 
it to man to give woman the worst of it. If man is 
taught to do without sleep, what chance w ill woman 
have to go through his pockets. 

(jive the women a chance. 

And speaking of money, our government, now 
run by men. issues a new ])icce of money and they 
claim it takes fully si.\ months to get it int<^ 
circulation. 

W Ould it take six months to get it into circula- 
tion it a woman was llic lirsl to get her hands on it? 

No. ( iive the women a chance. 

Now. sisters. 1 have no desire to po.se as a 
diampion for every last member of our sex. We 
are not every one of us perfect. We are nearly, 
but not (|uite. b'or instance. I have little use for 
the girl whose skirl is so tight that she can't bciid 
over to turn a wringer or chase a p.iir of her 
brother's socks up and down a washboard. 



CAVE THE WOAIEN A CHANCE 6 



Also there is the girl with the chewing gum habit. 
A girl afflicted with the chewing gum habit is a 
sure sign that she has nothing on her mind but her 
hair, and the chances are that that isn't original. 

No, sisters, women have a few things to learn 
yet — but not many. And if one woman doesn't 
know it, another one does. 

Seated next to me at a theatre the other evening 
v;'as a woman. She didn't know the name of the 
opera they were singing. I had to tell her. I make 
it a point to know these things. I saw the name 
of the opera on the curtain. It was ''Asbestos." 

Another discovery I made at the theatre was, 
that women go to see what the actresses wear, 
while the men go to see what they don't wear. 
This merely comes from being a close observer. 

But I digress. 

Hard times are surely wath us, and they couldn't 
be worse, so why not give the women a chance. 
Witness the manner in which foodstuff is going up 
in price. A\'hy, it won't be long at this rate before 
beefsteak will become our national currency. We'll 
soon be going into a store, buying something, pay- 
ing for it w^ith a chunk of beefsteak and for change 
we'll get back a couple of porkchops. 

Give the women a chance. 

Every year women school teachers receive pro- 
posals of marriage, but very few ever accept them. 
Why? I'm here to answer that question. A school 
teacher has hard work supporting one on the salary 
she gets. That's why. 



iil\ K THI-: WOMEN A CHANCE 



No. dear sisters, wc (kmand the same right to 
vote, run for office and hold political jobs the same 
as men. In other words, we demand the same right 
to go out nights and "sit up with a sick frien<l.*" 
W Omen have friends that are sick, same as men. 
li our friends aren't sick, they ought to he. I know 
I've got a lot of friends that make me sick. 

We want the same right to go out of a night and 
"feed the kitties." W omen know more about what 
kind of food cats like than do the men. 

Give the women a chance. 

In conclusion, dear sisters, permit me to clinch 
mv arguments that woman is superior t(j man by 
asking you to hark back to King Solomon once 
more. He is credited with being the wisest man 
that ever lived. And lie was. He had a thousand 
wives. Doesn't that prove that he was wise? Yes, 
a thousand times, yes. 

Give the women a chance. 

LURT.MN. 



FRANK DUMONT'S FAMOUS PLAYS 

"The DIALECT COMEDIAN." 

By Frank Dumont. 

This is a work that has been much called for. Bits 

of every dialect are presented, giving stories, jokes and 

gags as they should be told. The little book will assist 

you greatlv. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"THE ST. LOUIS FAIR HOTEL." 
Sketch by Frank Dumont. 
Four Male Characters. 
Fun galore in this sketch. It shows an avaricious 
hotel keeper in operation assisted by his "faithful" man- 
of-all-work. Price, 26 cents, postpaid. 
"McWADE'S PLATOON." 
Burlesque Dialect Police Drill, 
FINALE FOR FIRST PART. 
By Frank Dumont. 
Several nationalities are presented in this drill, giving 
splendid opportunities for good comedy work. Songs 
and marches are introduced, making an excellent finale 
or number for the olio. Something new. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"WHEN WOMEN RULE US." 
Burlesque and Court House Scene. 
By Frank Dumont. 
Twenty Characters, 
This satire is arranged specially for ladies wherein 
all the characters are assumed by them; the two hus- 
bands being represented by the ladies also. 

This burlesque may be used by gentlemen who, at- 
tired in grotesque imitation of female wardrobe and 
fads, can create any amount of laughter by imitating 
the gentle sex in mannerisms. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"MY NEW TYPEWRITER." 

Sketch by Frank Dumont. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Fine A. Silk, a busy agent • . 

Mrs. Silk, his wife, assuming disguises of tough girl, 
old maid and a gushing girly-girly typewriter.., .. 
A "screaming" sketch for one male and one female. 
Most excellent for a clever woman who can do char- 
acter parts. In this sketch the female character is 
obliged to assume three distinct roles, all of which lead 
up to complications that are ludicrously funny. Plenty 
of work for the male character — always busy, "My 
New Typewriter" is a satire on a popular topic. The 
theme is carefully worked out. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



THE VERY L; 

PLAYS, MONOLOGUES, S 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



BV 




TT . T> r» ^7 T -..T 017 401 126 6 

HARRY L. NEWIOJN 



"A Rose of Mexico" 

A Comedy-Dramatic Playlet of Mexican Life. 

An Original Dramatic Playlet for one Male and 
one Female, the scene of which is laid in Mexico 

The story is of Carinita, a Mexican pirl, recently 
returned from school in the United States, and Pedro. 
a Mexican youth who has turned bandit in her ab- 
sence to secure money enough to ask her to marry 
him. 

"A Pair of Pants" 

A Rapid-Fire Talking Act. 
This act for straight man and comedian who 
wants his three dollars, while the other wants his 
pants, runs riot with fun, gags, absurdities and snap- 
py lines. Plenty of opportunity for good acting. 

*'A Jack and His Queen" 

Comedietta in one act for two Males and one Female. 

Jack Windsor, a young bachelor, returned from 
an eight years' tour of the world, he decides to settle 
down by marrying his fiancee. Flora Mason. Flora 
pa)s a surreptitious visit to Jack's apartments. "Tot- 
tie Twinklctoes," a dancer, is to call. 

Jack discovers Flora in his rooms and mistakes 
her for Tottie. Flora keeps up the deception and 
some very smart dialogue ensues. 

"An Invitation to the Ball" 

A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. 
Plenty of work nnd good comedy for Mose John- 
son, a colored servant, and Birdie Birdsdl. the daugh- 
ter of his master, who has made up her mind to at- 
tend a masque ball with Mose in attendance. 

^'Chatter" 

A Monologue for Males. 
This is a brisk and breezy up-to-date monologue 
for light or low comedians. It is a whirlwind of com- 
ical lines which reach the apex of wit. Used with 
great success by professional entertainers. 

"Down in Paradise Alley** 

An East Side Episode for one Male and one Female. 
•Tells a delightful story of a young college gradit- 
ate who has fallen in love with Jerry O'Connell^ a lit- 
tle East Side street singer, li\ing in Paradise Alle^', 
New York. A charming little playlet in which com- 
edy and pathos are beautifully blended. The special- 
ties introduced throughout the playlet are at the op- 
tion of the performers. 



'Family Secrets' 



A Monologue for Rube Girl. 
This Rube Girl hands you a laugh every two sec- 
onds on a subject which appeals to all, viz., her de- 
ccription of her home and "folks" Up-State. 



'Izzy*s Vacation' 



A summer episode in two scenes. 

This is a splendid comedy for Hebrew comedians 
and lady who can play pert young miss. 

Izzy Goldberg is on a vacation in the country and 
running across Grace Howe, a breezy person who, in 
the spirit oi mischief, accuses Izzy of having followed 
her 

"Keep Your Eye on^he Ball" 

A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. 

For a clever Irish comedian and leading 
woman Madame Blavatsky, fortune teller, has 
money disguises himself as Madame Blavatsky. The 
coniplications that follow must be read to be appre- 
ciated. 



Meet My Wife' 



A Comedy SketcK for two Miles and one Female. 

George Chamberlain, a hen-pecked husband, may 
not drink, smoke or have an opinion of his own with- 
out his wife's permission. With the arrival of a 
friend, Percy Hamilton, he enters into a plot to cir- 
cumvent his wife and eventually becomes piaster in 
his own house. 

"The Spirit of Captain Kidd" 

A Vaudeville Playlet in two scenes. 

Dealing with the absurd adventures of Timothy 
McSorley, an Irish laborer, and Hi Grass, a regular 
rube, who, on learning of treasure buried by the no- 
torious pirate. Captain Kidd, set out to find it. 

This excruciatingly funny playlet is in two 
scenes. It is one long scre^in from start to finish. 

"Two Girls and Him" 

A Comedy classic in one scene for two Females and 
one Male. 

TTiere is a vein of exquisite sentiment running 
through this little playlet. 

Florence and Birdie Feathertop find themselves 
stranded. Timothy McDufT hears of their sad plight 
and spends his earnings to pay their way to the city 

"What Every Woman Thinks She Knows* 

A Suffragette Monologue. 

This monologue on the suflTragiettc question-is a 
scream from beginning to end. More ludicrous "pat- 
ter" could not well be imagined. There is a dash of 
brilliant wit and humor that cannot fail to please. 



ANY OF THE ABOVE 25 CENTS EACH 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

86 WIIMARK BUILDING 



New^ York 



